II° Progress Journal

Pilfered from http://www.ebonmusings.org/atheism/new10c.html but nonetheless good to live by:

1. Do not do to others what you would not want them to do to you

2. In all things, strive to cause no harm

3. Treat your fellow human beings, your fellow living things, and the world in general with love, honesty, faithfulness and respect.

4. Do not overlook evil or shrink from administering justice, but always be ready to forgive wrongdoing freely admitted and honestly regretted.

5. Live life with a sense of joy and wonder

6. Always seek to be learning something new

7. Test all things; always check your ideas against the facts, and be ready to discard even a cherished belief if it does not conform to them.

8. Never seek to censor or cut yourself off from dissent; always respect the right of others to disagree with you.

9. Form independent opinions on the basis of your own reason and experience; do not allow yourself to be led blindly by others.

10. Question everything

Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law.


I just wanted to let you know of the wonderful brothers and sisters at Horizon Oaisis. I was travelling in the Seattle area this week and emailed the Oasis on short notice of this. Sister O replied with an invitation for dinner and fellowship. Sister O and brothers S and N showed me a most excellent time. On short notice they put together a wonderful dinner, followed with small talk around the fire. Immediately I was made to feel welcome and was very comfortable in their company (hopefully I didn't overstay my welcome or get too comfortable). This is a shining example of what fraternity and fellowship is all about. The fact that a complete stranger can be made to feel like lifetime friends is one of the great qualities I think of the OTO and reflects on what Horizon Oasis is doing with it's membership.

My only regret is that I will probably not be back in the area again, so I will treasure the time spent with my brothers and sisters deeply.


Love is the law, love under will.

So things have been going generally good for me recently. Overall this has not been as bad a degree as I°was. Recently even I've pretty much acquiesced to the Will of the Universe. I've stopped trying to fight the flow and instead flow with it. Not sure if that's 100% good but at least I'm no longer tired from fighting all of the time.

I've talked with my pay-per-use-friend and it seems one of my biggest problems is I don't DO. All I do is sit around and think and doing and then turn around and call that a success. It's made me think that "doing my Will" is definitely a verb not an adjective (an action rather than a description). That I'm not going to be able to "do my Will" unless I get off my ass and DO my Will.

My current plan of action is to simply DO. I've got several things I'm taking care of this week and I'm making a list of everything else I've either needed to do or wanted to do and setting up priorities and timetables for their accomplishments.

On the horizon I have several projects/accomplishments I need/want to DO; they are:

1) Get MCTIP and MCM Certifications (3 exams)
2) Book project A (will start at Kaaba, most likely)
3) Book project B
4) Art project C


So what have I accomplished towards my II° goals:

1) I've a Dr. appt this morning for another physical. (trying to get them at least once a year now)
2) I let slip something in front of a brother and sister (and didn't really care afterward that it was out)
3) I finally got around to getting my car fixed yesterday (I knocked the alignment out over a year ago, almost 2)
4) I've sung karaoke live and recorded two tracks here at MySpace and posted them publicly.

I've thought for awhile now that I'm ready for III° but after these last few weeks, I now know I'm ready for the next step.


PS, In the past I've enjoyed the Gnostic Mass deeply but have stayed arms length from anything official in the EGC. However, I've recently felt a pull towards the EGC and most particularly to service. I am starting from the ground up right now, as I still need to be Baptized and Confirmed. But after that, I'm looking to see what roles I take on and definitely looking at working towards priesthood.

Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.

Fellow Thelemites,

So I was talking to my "adviser" or pay-per-use-friend as my wife calls hers and he said something to me today that has made me think about the Book of the Law. Now don't get me wrong here, I accept the knowledge and wisdom contained within its pages without reservation. Hell, I have nicknamed mine George, and I hug it, and pet it, and squeeze it all the time.

So what's made me think...he mentioned how much I already know what I need to do, that our time together is easy for him as he believes I'm already on the path I need to be on and that I just seemed to only need to here it from someone else. I know what to do basically, I just don't accept it until he says it, then somehow it resonates with me. Whereas before I knew it but did nothing about it.  

Since we're in the middle of the Three Days of the Writing of the Book of the Law, my thoughts have turned to it...did we NEED the Book of the Law? Did we need some entity coming down here (if you're a Spirit Model person) and telling us what most (if not all of us) believe to be true? It seems so self evident after reading that's why I'm wondering this now. It's not like after reading it I went WTF is this crap. And only after years of being locked away in some mountaintop cave did the truth of the knowledge contained within finally hit me. Was it necessary? Were/Are we such idiots that we couldn't see the truth?

Those questions aside, it has struck me funny all of a sudden that I realize I never even thought about doing my WILL until I read it. Maybe we did NEED to be shown the way/light/path/truth. At this point I'm picturing the old V-8 commercials, "I shoulda done my Will today...thunk!"

Any thoughts?

Keith

Love is the law, love under will.

It's been awhile since I've posted anything regarding my progress into adulthood.So tonight I thought I would update all of my peeps who've been following the wayward tale of this fallen soul (too dramatic?).

So what have I been up to? What lessons have I learned? What obstacles have I overcome?

To begin with, I've been getting weekly "advice" for some time now. Surprisingly I think its paying off, slowly but surely. I've learned some pretty poignant things such as the past is in the past, what's done is done and the meaning behind desire leads to suffering. In a strange sense his goal is to get me to become an adult, which works very well with my degree. Sadly though he is very anti OTO, in between usable nuggets he throws in there things such as "you should not surround yourself with people who try to brainwash you" or "you need to remove chaos from your life and this OTO is nothing but chaos" or "free will is bullshit and people who tell you otherwise are too". But I guess it never hurts to here the otherside of the arguement. Hopefully he'll act as my opposing viewpoint in these matters.

I had a pretty f'ed up childhood, without going into detail let's say Mommy Dearest was a little too close to home. Not to mention a few other choice moments in my life that have further twisted me into the pretzel I'm now in. The thing I'm working on is to not focus on the why's and what-fores. Whatever has happened to me has already happened and nothing I do today or tomorrow is going to change that. I need to focus on the present, the now, the moment.

Which leads me to my next moment of profound wisdom (take notes). I could never understand the buddhish thought that all suffering comes from desire. I mean, I desire food to live, I desire warmth to live, I desire water to live, and so on. So how can I get rid of desire without killing myself? Then I thought of the three pounds of flax koan (a monk asks Tozan what is Buddha? Tozan replied three pounds of flax). Tozan lived such in the moment that his reply reflected exactly what he was doing. I'm pretty sure that this is an overboard example but it suits me just fine. I'm always thinking about the past or the future, when I am with my wife having a good time I'm either thinking about something else or thinking about later on (if you know what I mean). I'm not really in the moment. If I'm not there how can I truely enjoy the moment? How can I enjoy the time I'm spending with the wife or the kids? I can't.

I'm also learning that I'm full of bullshit. I am emotionally dead with others. I'm using facts and bs to keep others at a distance. That I could not see the elephant being eaten by a snake, all I saw was a hat (technically no, I saw a story explaining Occam's Razor but only after blaming the boy for expecting too much from others, which made me completely full of shit). I haven't had real friends in a long time. Sure I've got a crew in Louisville who are my brothers and sisters but they are in Louisville and I only get to see them once in a while. And the distance makes it that much harder each time I do see them because as soon as I do I'm thinking about how I will have to leave them (see earlier points). But here at home I've no real friends outside of work. I did have a few friends, I mean ones who'd be in the jail sitting next to you going "damn that was fun!" but they've either died or left (even in the computer age we've not kept in contact). So I guess it's easier for me to keep people at arms length than to open up and be human.

But I'm trying, in fact a couple of weekends ago the misses and I invited the family of a friend of my daughters to dinner. We all went out and had real human interactions. No BS, no trying to one up each other, no fake stories, just real honest human interactions. To top it off, these people were complete strangers to us (other than we knew them through our daughter). Usually we'd just went to the mall or bookstore or Walmart to spend the day, but the wife and I choose to do something new and open ourselves up.

Bring me to the next lesson I've learned...that even though I'm trying to break myself of bad habits and behaviors that if I keep doing the same boring mundane crap day in day out, I'm not really making any progress. As I said, the wife and I were stuck in a rut about what we do for fun. We've since realized that we need to break those habits just well as the other things we are working on. I was going to go into some metaphor about muslce memory and the rut but then I realized I full of shit.

As you can see I've been busy learning alot about myself.


I have come up with some goals for II° though:

1) Do Kareoke (if I can do that, then I can face anything)
2) Come clean to a few people (I've told a few lies and want to clean the slate)
3) goal to be named later

Simple, yes I know. But in the grand scheme of things they are life changing for me.

Today I received my Bachelor's of Arts degree in the mail from Morehead State University. I am extremely happy now and feel very accomplished.For those of you who do not know my long trek through the blackboard jungle (which would be all but like 2 people) let us digress....

1991 - I left high school and entered MSU. I only went there for two reasons, I got a scholarship through the help of a friends dad and another friend I knew was going there. No other reason really. In fact, during high school I was an artist and went to a magnet school with a highly developed art program. At MSU I was told by the art director/dean/whoever that they could not help me as my portfolio (which was 100% destroyed some time ago due to mold) was already more than they could do. So I figured I'd be a math major with a goal of becoming a high school teacher.

1993 - I took a leave of absence from school so I could join the Army reserves. I needed the time off for Basic and AIT.

1994 - I returned to MSU. Although this time I decided to drop the teaching side of things due to the way they treated male teachers (as pervs). I decided to focus on Math and Computer Programming.

1995 - I meet the woman of my dreams.

1996 - I got married to the woman of my dreams. I also learned that the Computer Programming side of things was not going the way I wanted it to go. Many of the classes conflicted with my required Math classes. Either towards the end of the year or earlier 1997 I drop Computer Programming (plus they were still programming in DOS).

1997 - Having to prep for Robin's impending graduation next year I try to desperatedly figure out how to do it as well. All along I've been taking Philosophy classes because I enjoyed both them and the teachers. I realised that I could graduate faster and easier by switching from a BS in Math to a BA in Philosophy. So at this point I'm now a double major in Philosophy and Math.

1998 - We leave MSU. Robin has her Psychology degree and I'm still a little short. I had issues with an organization I belonged to at the time and my only option was to resign from it or go part time. Seeing as my problem was not with the organization but the leadership of the local chapter, I was not going to let them ruin my relationship with the organization. I went part-time for my last two semesters. I decide to take 2 summer courses at ACC (Biology 101 and Speech 101). This leaves me only 1 hour shy of graduating (unbeknowced to me).

2008 - Having gone through my I° initiation (2007) in the OTO I realized that my degree was something that I couldn't put off anymore. I called and learned I was a mere 1 hour of Philosophy  shy of my degree. On top of that, the school had a 10 year policy which was to finish the degree within 10 years of seperation from the school (1998 for me) or else loose all of my credits. Talk about perfect timing. Quickly I signed up for an online Philosophy class. I aced the classed and finished my degree requirements.

2009 - Here we are today with my degree finally in my hand.

1991-2009, 18 years. I could have had a kid and had them starting college by now (in fact my almost-daughter is getting ready for NYU this year). A long hard journey but worth every penny.

(first draft)

Until this weekend I've been a big proponent of the idea of the social contract. I guess my original source of evidence of this was Socrates, who having knowingly agreed to live under the law's of Athens, he implicitly subjected himself to the possibility of being accused of crimes by its citizens and judged guilty by its jury. To do otherwise would have caused him to break his "social contract" with the state, and so harm the state; an act contrary to Socratic principle.

This idea has long been the supporting pillar for when as I tried to understand why French monarchy didn't resist the trip to the guillotine, why some criminals don't run, why Japanese warriors would perform hari kari and so on. My understanding of these incidents would be that those individuals were fulfilling their end of the "social contract".

So what is this social contract I speak of?

The social contract is an agreement between the people and government. It implies that the people give up some rights to a government and other authority in order to receive or jointly preserve social order. The idea is that we the people agree to abide by the rules and laws of the nation we live in, agreeing a lot of times to surrender certain rights we have such as the right to drink as we will in the US for instance, where as adults we agree not to drink alcohol until we are 21. For surrendering these rights, the government offers us services such as water, protection, healthcare, etc.

The contract is held together by the implication that a breech by either party will result in some penalty placed on the party of infraction. If I drink before 21 the government will have me incarcerated for a period of time until I have “paid” for my sin.

For more information on the social contract see - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_contract

My issue today and why this is important right now is that I came to the realization that any contracts (or oaths) I might have agreed to as a child are no longer valid. For those going “huh?”, I became an adult over the weekend [for those in the know ;) ]. I am now free to enter into or choose not to enter into any contract or oath I WILL. This includes the social contract, since the institution of the social contract is an implied theory and not an actual signed contract.

Those who believe in the social contract (which I would count myself in that camp, only that it applies to beggars) assume that each adherent has agreed to a “standard” contract; that each person has implicitly agreed to the SAME contract as everyone else. This feature I no longer subscribe to personally.

As a Thelemite I have tried to live by the Law of Thelema. This Law states simply – “Do What Thou Wilt Shall Be The Whole Of The Law. (AL I:40)”. This Law is not just something that I am bound to regarding my own actions. Some Thelemites would state that this right includes an obligation to allow others to do their own wills without interference. I will abide by the Law of Thelema and as such I will reciprocate this with my fellow man.

This law of mutual rights is the perfect basis for a new social contract with my fellow man. So from hence forth I am declaring publicly that this simple law is now the terms of the new social contract I am agreeing to with my fellow man.

One of the beauties I see in this is that the normal social contract is usually adhered to only out of threats of penalties or further restriction of rights. In addition, interactions between two people are often tainted by unpleasant political correctness, deceit, coercion, duplicity, etc. Often times when one party has offended the other, the offended refuses to deal with the offending action or words directly, or at all; either out of fear of repercussions or because of the way the game is played. How often have you let something someone said or did slide because of one reason or another?

By adhering to the Law of Thelema as my new social contract, I am no longer bound by such trivial things. I am free to confront you directly and honestly to report on any offending actions or complement any I find desirable. There is no game anymore. I care not about judging you or your actions, only that yours not impede mine. If it is your desire to behave in a certain manner, so be it. I will simply tell you I no longer desire such behavior and it you continue to act in such a manner I’ll revoke the contract.

Very short and sweet I have the right to the Law of Thelema, I do not HAVE TO put up with people who are not in alignment with my WILL. Not that there is any one person or group of people that this immediately applies to, only that the implications of this is both enlightening and relieving.

As such I think the following will clarify what rights this grants each adherent to my new social contract.

Man has the right to live by his own law
Man has the right to live in the way that he wills to do
Man has the right to work as he will
Man has the right to play as he will
Man has the right to rest as he will
Man has the right to die when and how he will
Man has the right to eat what he will
Man has the right to drink what he will
Man has the right to dwell where he will
Man has the right to move as he will on the face of the earth
Man has the right to think what he will
Man has the right to speak what he will
Man has the right to write what he will
Man has the right to draw, paint, carve, etch, mould, build as he will
Man has the right to dress as he will
Man has the right to love as he will
Man has the right to kill those who would thwart these rights

(for more information on the above see Liber Oz - http://www.hermetic.com/crowley/libers/lib77.html )

Love is the law, love under will

I just finished the last class required for my degree (started way back in '91). I went out with style to, a F'ing A!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hooah!

I° can kiss my ass.

My Babalon rising
    Coming forth out of fire and night
    Drumming, dancing, spining, ecstacy,
    Invoking, evoking, living, love
My Babalon rising
    Magick taking on form and function
    Embedding deeply, soul reaching
    Twisting image, burning focus
My Babalon rising
    Born in darkness and living in light
    Fantasy seduction, reality high
    Yearning, needing, searching, found
My Babalon rising

- Keith Taylor 2008

I am pleased to announce the timely death of Because. His body was found at a local festival, appearantly it had been drained of all it's negativity and meanness. Even still, the coroner has released the cause of his passing as natural causes. This follows an extremely intense year of soul searching and enlightenment.

Aquaintences and neighbors are overjoyed at his passing. Many have said they had had enough of Because. One source is reported to have bellowed (at this time we are limited in space as to describe for our audiences the differences between a roar and a bellow) "Be he damned for a dog!" at hearing the news.

Because left no survivors.

So I got another call from the doctor today. You remember the doctor. I decided that part of my I° journey was to finally break down and get over my irrational fear of medicine. Well, today I got another (btw, last week they called me in for a second test of my liver requiring another round of blood being drawn) call from them today. Again the tests were abnormal and they want to run not only another blood test but now an ultrasound of my liver.

OK. I get it universe.

I'm over my irrational fear of needles and medicine. I will start going to get regular check ups. I go through I° initiation with an irrational fear of needles and medicine and the universe drops House (TV) in my lap and is making me get more blood drawn than if my wife were a vampire.

Lesson learned.

Let's move on.

I just got back from the doctors. I went for a general checkup and other things. I also had to have blood drawn for all of the lab work. I used a mantra (APO PANTOS KAKODAIMONOS, I know simple but yet it was effective and easy to remember) and made it through it without incident. I am proud of myself, no fainting, no light headedness, nothing but clear sailing through it. Yeah.

Avoiding the doctor has been another one of my I° workings. I've not had a physical since I was in the army in the mid-90s. Plus my fear of needles is officially over. It was one more irrational fear I've abolished since my initiation. Yeah!

I stopped at the pharmacists to get the prescriptions and while there got some Ripped Fuel 5x, St. John’s Wort, B6 and vitamins. I am thinking I will try an alchemical exercise in changing my body and mood.

I waited most of the day to find out about the job…..

And it's official, I am now the Senior Training Manager at FaceTime communications. Woohoo! The position comes with some perks, more options, bigger salary, larger bonus, etc. I start the position officially on March 1st but can't really do anything with it until after the 9th (bummer). I should be flying back out to California around the 9th again for two more weeks. I can't wait to spend some time with my new friends.

Today was my big Thelema Day. I attended the Gnostic Mass at Thelema Lodge and then everything exploded from there.

Mass was ok. It was only my second time experiencing it so I don't have much to compare it to. There were also a lot of new faces there so I wasn't 100% on top of my game. All in all though, I enjoyed it and felt the magick work, so it was well worth it. There was a period of debate though leading up to it as this will have been my first drink since I°. I came to the conclusion its not about avoidance though, it's about control. I can't control something if I avoid it. I did drink the wine and I got a little tipsy from it.

After Mass, they had an extra badge (although the name on it was Soror Rose) for Pantheacon and I decided to go. I was looking forward to meeting other Thelemites/Pagans, as well as Lon Milo Duquette (I've got a lot of thanking aiming at that man). It was a cool experience, even though I stayed only about 4 hours. I met Blue, this incredibly huggy (and cute) woman and Valerie Voorhies (or maybe it was Jennifer) who we met at the Sex Magick class. She is just now exploring things and seems like she might be interested in Thelema. Frater LSD gave her his phone number and invited her to call if she had any questions. Promising. Then I met a guy from the Open Source Golden Dawn, it was a real brief meeting. At this point Frater LSD was just trying to introduce me to lots of different people. There was also Sharon Knight, a pagan musician.

Once upstairs we stayed at the Thelemic Hospitality Suite. There I met a few people from Temple Sophia (still not sure what they were all about). I also met 3 people from 418 Lodge, including the Lodge Master. They were all really cool and welcoming. Lon never showed up, so I guess I'll have to wait until Babalon Rising.

I did get to meet Donald Michael Kraig (author of Modern Magick) today. I have to say he was not what I pictured. This is probably one of those moments I should have stuck with the imagination rather than the reality. He seemed like a great guy, don't get me wrong, it's just not what I pictured is all.

On top of everything I had an epiphany (with the help/intrusion of Elijah). I was trying to explain why even though I wanted Blue (see above) I wasn't going to have her.  When I told him part of my I° working is about control and moderation, he said Temperance. Talk about running into a brick wall at 100 mph. In the Thoth deck, Art is the Temperance Card. I found a very meaningful passage online about this:

Art (or Temperance) is numbered fourteen and usually shows the figure of a young woman or angelic being, who is pouring water from one vessel into another. Not a single drop is spilt. This card is related to the union and harmonization of opposites.

Art shows us that those among us who allow a free flow of life force use it the most effectively, wasting the least and achieving most. If we are thoughtful, receptive and in harmony, we allow the Higher Powers to run unhindered through our spirits and emotions - and finally into our daily lives.

This card now has meaning to me which I over looked earlier. I am now also beginning to question the Salvia trip and its impact on me as well. More to follow.

Change So I was asked by my wife to type something up for a friend of hers about what I am noticing about my wife (the reasons behind this are unimportant). I had written up this rather nice and lengthy letter about how I felt my wife was changing in this one particular area. I gave a nice arguement about what I was seeing and how it was different from the norm. After she showed it to her friend, I asked her what he thought of it. What she told me blew me away.

She said he thought I was a good writer but I focused too much on this one area. I tried to tell her that that was the most prominate area of change for her and that I thought it was significant enough that it warranted discussion. Then she laid it out for me. That the change was actually from me and not her. That her behaviour had changed because I HAD changed. She was responding to me and my new attitude.

WOW!

I know I have been working at changing but I was not aware, nor did I feel I had, accomplished anything along those lines. At least not to that degree. I am also baffled as to what in particular has worked for me. I have been trying many different techniques to bring about this change but I don't know which one in particular worked (or if it was a combination of several). I guess the most important thing to take away from this though is that I may not know the science or art, but I definitely have cause Change to occur in conformity with my Will.

Now to keep working at it. I still have a long ways to go.

Holy crap!

So I have been thinking about using Salvia Divinorum for reimprinting purposes. I have been really impressed with the progress and results that Z. has been getting. Since I am still having troubles doing any shamanic work, I have been thinking it would be good to loosen and rid me of whatever hangs up I have keeping me from journeying.

T. suggested that I shouldn't do my first hit alone, that I should do it amongst friends and family, where I would be safe and protected. Besides she said Z. had plenty to go around. I am not the kind of person who looks for he leaps. Often times, while many people are looking of the edge to make a rational decision, I am stepping back to get a running start. Sometimes this is a good quality, as I often able to try new things without fear or worry. Sometimes this quality leads me to making bad decisions. Last night was a good use of this quality though.

After much preparation, we finally sat down to begin the experience. Z. had prepared normal Salvia Divinorum leaf to activate the receptors and prepare me for the spiritual on bringing of the 20x extract. It took about 5 hits before I started to feel anything. The feeling of the leaf was much like marijuana except that the onset was rapid. After letting that sit on me for about 5 minutes we switched to the extract.

We had incense going, and Z. had prepped Sanitarium (from Metallica) for me to listen to while on the journey. [Which by the way was probably a big mistake] I sat back and Z. lit while I inhaled. The first hit, I was like nothing. The second hit, I was like nothing. The third hit, I was like that door is melting...I tilted my head back and I was out.

I was at the bottom of this huge orange fire pit. The tops of the flames though were curved, like wave cutouts you'd see in a theater. They also undulated like those waves, except they only went right to left, like they were marching. There was a man and a woman there, a king and queen. They looked like the king and queen from a playing card deck, not like cards but like the images on the cards. I felt like I was in Alice in Wonderland. They were sweeping more stuff into the fire and laughing. I wasn't panicked, as a matter of fact, I remember laughing really hard for a long time.

After what seemed like forever like this, everything started to fade. I felt like I was rising up towards this strip of black. Then I was thrust (or fell) downward and was looking at the strip above me. I was noticing how odd that the strip was black but it was surrounding by nothingness. That the color black stood out amongst nothingness. A very odd thought. Then I cracked my eye and a ray of light (nothing mystical just a real ray of light) hit me and I came out of it. Oddly, right at the end of the song too.

I sat there for a long time feeling f'ed up. I felt like I sweated a gallon into my socks. The feeling I was having was very much like the way I feel after a successful shamanic journey. So I definitely see positive gains from this. I giggled for a while afterwards as well, like the stoned giggles

Overall my journey was positive and fun. It was my first hallucitory experience. With all of my college experiences I never did LSD or any other hallucinogenic drug. The trick now is to figure out what imprints I need reimprinted in order to get the ball rolling. My choices are:

 

1. Exercise
2. Procrastination
3. Being more friendly
4. Being kind
5. Being helpful
6. Arrogance
7. Alcohol
8. Sex
9. Emotional Control

 

and I shall freely accept any other criticisms my friends might have.

I will keep everyone posted as to how this goes and if I see any other positive benefits.

I spent the night in the ER last night. I had been having pain in my groin area since my vasectomy and yesterday it was finally unbearable. I even thought I had an inguinal hernia (mainly because I could feel something in my scrotum).

I don't like hosiptals or doctors. This was my first trip to the ER since 1998, and even back then I only went because I electrocuted myself. So when I called my wife and told her I WANTED to go, I know she knew I meant it.

Sorry for ruining your night out baby.

Anyways...

I don't like being around sick people. Which I know is odd, given my shamanic background. But I have never been a healer shaman. Always used it more for educating myself than helping others. My wife will even attest to this fact, as I am not the best nursemaid for her when she gets sick. But I was in so much pain last night I HAD to go. So I went.

The wait in the waiting room, wasn't too bad. Seeing the doctor was relatively fast as well. But he wanted an Ultrasound to confirm things and waiting for ti took forever. At one point I think my wife and I fell asleep. During this time we had patients on both sides of us hooked up to machines that go PING. They were never in sync so for hours it sounded like a bad game og PONG going off. PING...PING.......PING....PING.....PING...PING.....for hours.

Finally the Ultrasound nurse came, who btw, was HOT. So not only was I put through an aganisingly painful process, I was done so by a HOT nurse. What a conflict. For the amount of pain she put me through, she might as well have been stepping on my testicles with high heels.

Then came the results. I have Varicocele. Or as the doctor put it - I have water in my scrotum around my vans deferens. Or as my wife put it - soggy balls. He gave me percocets and told me to wear supportive briefs and that was it.

So now I have the next two days off from work and a percription for drugs that make me loopier than smoking pot. Oh yeah and a pain from hell.

Today was a heavy I° day for me. I did something today I have been thinking about doing for the past few months but couldn't work up the right way to deal with it. This has been really helpful to me, as I have been slipping the past few weeks into old habits and spiraling out of control. I might have begun to right the ship tonight.

Today was the hardest and most adult thing I have ever done. I am not sure if I want to die or celebrate now that its done. I feel uplifted by getting this weight off of my shoulders, but then again the whole process has been agonizing for me. The fear and tension that I created within me leading up to this moment was damn near unbearable.

I am who I am because of one afternoon I spent with a friend. For those who do not know what I am talking about, you'll have to just accept this premise. Today I had a talk with that friend about everything that I had bottled up inside me from that day 13 years ago (IIRC, to this month). It really had nothing to do with her, its really about my behavior and what I took away from the situation that has been my problem. I also let her know what really happened and how sorry I was for the way I acted. It was not my most shining hour. I faced my demons today (my behavior, not her), admitted my mistakes and begun to correct my mistakes.

Oddly we had to decide what to do with our relationship now that things were out on the table. We decided to pick up where we left off (13 years ago) and go from there. Although we finally got around to officially breaking up (you see, 13 years ago, I sinply vanished from her life, no notice, no explanation). Afterwards, it was more painful than I had imagined it would have been. But at the sametime necessary and fulfilling. The rest of the night has been a mixture of joy and sadness, release and fear.

I know things between her and I are different, we're different people, in different circumstances. But she is my oldest friend. Our lives have been intertwined for over 20 years now. We have shared intimate moments and live experiences that we've not shared with anyone else. Her friendship is extremely important to me. As I told her, I am hoping that our relationship can take off from here today and grows to a new level.


My I° obligations are:


Now I've done 2 out of 4 (and the degree paperwork is almost done as well). Maybe there really is light at the end of the tunnel.